


Words, words, words...

by Liravell



Category: Mozart l'Opéra Rock - Mozart/Baguian & Guirao
Genre: April Filles, Drabble, F/F, Letter, Light Angst, Regrets
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-06
Updated: 2018-04-06
Packaged: 2019-04-19 04:06:31
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 873
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14228877
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Liravell/pseuds/Liravell
Summary: Caterina Cavalieri met Nannerl Mozart on the premiere of The Abduction from the Seraglio. They fell in love but soon everything fell apart.Made for #AprilFilles prompt “Regrets”





	Words, words, words...

My Butterfly,

I wanted to write to you earlier. I really did. My apartment is filled with crumpled paper. I hardly have a dress that is not smeared with ink. But the words… I could never find the words. I’m not a poet, not an artist like you are. I just sing someone else’s words. I just sing to someone else’s melody. Now, I would give everything to know the right words. I’ll just have to try. I have to try because you deserve an apology.

It’s been five years, but I still regret what happened that night. It wasn’t supposed to end like this. I know that you probably still don’t want to hear from me, but I beg you to finish reading this letter. I don't want to make excuses. I just want you to understand.

When you came into my life I knew you were someone special. With one smile you turned my whole life upside down. You took my hand. You took my thoughts. You took my heart. I still remember those whispers and giggles. I still hear those soft melodies you wrote for me in secret. I feel the touch of white sheets in the morning. Your breath. The way your hair shone in the sunlight. You were my first love. And now I know you were also my last.

Those weeks spend in Vienna together were like a dream and I’ve never felt so cold after waking up. You said you loved me. You said that the marriage wasn’t important. And I believed you. You don’t love Johann, I knew it then and I know it now, but you were not coming back for a long time. I’ve heard from Mozart about your daily life with your husband and of course, I received your letters. Filled with words, music, love… I learned every paragraph by heart. They were the only thing I could still cling onto. You said you’ll come to Vienna in autumn. I waited until the last, brown leaves fell from the tree. You said you’ll come back in spring. But the flowers bloomed and you could not come. I waited three years. Three long years filled with constant anticipation and silent suffering, living only for your letters. I was seeing you everywhere. In the blue of the sky. In the wings of a butterfly. In Mozart’s eyes and in pure laughter of Vienna’s ballrooms. Your letters became more rare. You told me you had a lot of work. Johann. His children. Your house. I could not be angry with you, after all, you were the only true thing in my life.

I haven’t received a letter for six months. We were performing _Davide penitente._ Most of it are psalms, but Mozart wanted to add more. The Song of Songs. Declamations of love have never sounded so bitter. I suffered. Waited patiently. I tried. Until Mozart came to a rehearsal with this childish smile on his face, claiming that he was an uncle. Something broke in me. For days I’ve wandered around like a ghost, walking out of the room every time something reminded me of you, not bearing the pain anymore. There was only one person who didn’t make my heart ache. He was nothing like you. His hair was black and short. His eyes dark and cold. He laughed rarely and sharply. His lips weren’t as soft as yours and I just wanted to lose myself in his rough kisses.

I didn’t want to forget you. I wanted to hide myself. To disappear like I disappeared from your life. To forget myself just like you have forgotten me.

When you walked into my apartment that evening… A surprise. You came back after those four years. You came back after four years. A surprise. I remember the burning kisses on my neck. The scratches that his beard left. The pain when I opened my eyes and saw you. My butterfly. Standing in the doorway of my bedroom in that blue dress, the same one you wore when we met. I remember your hands covering your mouth to muffle the silenced scream. I remember the shine of tears in your eyes.

I never wanted to hurt you. I never wanted all of that to happen.

I understand why you left that night. I understand why I’ve never received a word from you since that night. I understand why you never wanted to see me again.

I know that it was selfish. I know that I was blinded by my loneliness. Maybe since I never had a family, never had anyone or anything to look after I couldn’t accept how this domestic life occupied you. I couldn’t accept losing you. And for that I am sorry.

You probably wonder what made me write this letter after all these years. Yesterday I saw a blue butterfly on my windowsill. I watched it for a few minutes and when it flattered its wings I was sure it will fly away. It didn’t. It landed on my hand. It came back. Now I know that you won’t come back. But maybe… Maybe one day you will forgive me. And that’s all I could ask for.

Yours forever,

Caterina C.

 


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